tag reply for adilla

1. 5 Ciri Wanita/Lelaki Idaman Anda (5 characteristics of your dream girl/guy):

- Hygienic, smells nice, looks clean, knows how to take care of herself, happy, free and are not afraid to give her opinion about anything. An easy going personality is the utmost importance.

- Sense of humor doesn’t always have to be paralleled with me, because that would be very creepy, but it would be brilliant if she could understood ALL of my horribly inappropriate jokes.

- I’m dumb, so I need a smart girl that could teach me a thing or two; like how to socialize properly with human beings (?).

- Girls with soft, beautiful skin never fails to grab my attention.

- Great skin, nasi lemak 50sen breasts, nice legs and an ass to go jihad for would be very nice.

2. 5 Ciri Wanita/Lelaki Yang Tak Pernah Anda Minati Sepanjang Hidup (5 characteristics that you have never liked in girl/guy):

- Girls that talks very fast, about a lot of different subjects all at once, with her unbelievably high pitched voice.

- This is kinda shallow of me, but I never find fat girls attractive… unless she’s a genius at cooking!

- Girls with dirty clothes (not hygienic), dirty mouth (talks like a dirty old men) and dirty minds (those sluts that wants to rape me all the time).

- Too clingy, too sensitive, too emotional, too everything!

- Extreme feminists. Eeeekkk!!!

3. 5 Perasaan Anda Sekiranya Keluar Dengan Orang Yang Minati (5 feelings that you have when you are out with the one you admire):

- So excited that sometimes I had a boner (true story, and it is not erotic at all; maybe bcoz of the sudden rush of blood?).

- Relaxed and stress-free.

- Obviously, happy?

- A little bit pressured to struck a good impression, especially early on.

- Thankful for the company; because I always think that I am alone in a crowded place.

4. 5 Tempat Istimewa Yang Ingin Dilawati Bersama Pasangan Anda (5 places that you want to travel to with your loved one):

- Deserted, haunted house in the middle of the night, with only one torch-light.

- White sandy beaches of course!

- My own living room: we could watch movies while I fondle her nasi lemak 50sen breasts! -> ok this is one of my horribly inappropriate jokes. Terrible, right?

- My crotch.

- O man, I don’t see this going anywhere special…

5. 5 Barangan/Sesuatu Istimewa Yang Akan Anda Hadiahkan Kepada Si Dia (5 special things that you will give to your loved one):

- A smooth, silky night gown. So fucking sexy!

- Forget about physical presents, I’m gonna give her the best cunnilingus evar!

- I think I’m not good with these ‘tag games’ that girls so love to do in their blogs.

- All I can think of right now is dildos. Big giant dildos with vibrators. Well, at least I’m being honest.

6. Tajuk Lagu Yang Akan Anda Nyanyikan Untuk Pasangan Anda (5 songs that you will sing to your partner):

- Your body is a wonderland – John Mayer

- Kokoni iruyo – SoulJa

- I’m not a girl, not yet a woman – Britney Spears

- Ambo Ghaso Bekene – Megat Nordin

- Tok Bini Lagi – Cikgu Sulizi

[note]

This is obviously another one of my lame jokes. Thread lightly, please.

uwaa banyok kijo la pulok

- my presentation for the thesis-translation is next week. i’m scratching my head trying to decide on which portion of the thesis that are going to the chopping block department, because it’s humanly impossible to present each and everything in 10 minutes. some parts of the stupid thesis must go into the digital dustbin and never be spoken of during presentation day.

- i’m making powerpoint slides for the presentation like crazy! my head is burning.

- today is the due date for the ロボット工学 (robotic engineering) assignment.

- tomorrow is the due date for the 制御工学 (system engineering) assignment.

- the day after tomorrow is the due date for the 環境科学 (environmental science) assignment.

- the day after the day after tomorrow is the due date for me to find the guy who invented the idea of assignments in universities. At first I would extend my hand for a friendly handshake, then when he turns his back on me, I’ll bash his head with a crowbar after i slit his throat. Then I’ll go to his house carrying his decapitated head so that he could see me abusing her 16 years old daughter with an oven-heated banana and 3 sticks of japanese cucumber (キュウリ-kyuri). I’ll sell his young wife as a sex slave to rich pak arabs. Or maybe as sweatshop slaves in China, making nike shoes in poor working environment. I am an opportunist, so I’ll sell his 4 and 10 years old sons to american christian priests, or micheal jackson; the highest bidder wins.

- inappropriately sick jokes aside, you can see i’m pretty busy this week. Next week i got several seminars to attend to, and also the 固体力学 (solid-mass mechanics?) assignment to be delivered.

- although i thought it was over-rated, i bought the 2008 akiyama rina calender. got it yesterday. now i know that i’m so easily deceived by women with beautiful skin plus a nice set of buns. damn it! i remember talking to Tazz about the importance of the quality of cost-effectiveness when considering a product to purchase. this shows that i’m a hypocrite. what a shame. 1300yen down the drain. but i still think oshirina has nice skin complexion and her momo fruit is just juicy to look at.

- i better get back to the powerpoint slides. time is gold. and i’m pissing blood.

- i’m sleeping in the research lab for 7 days straight, starting from today. its inevitable.

halal sex is better than zina

[WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS VULGAR LANGUAGE AND SOME SERIOUSLY FUCKED-UP CONTENT ESPECIALLY ABOUT SEX; YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED]

Today I’m going to talk about the dilemma faced by some malay muslim couples who is studying overseas while being supported by a sponsorship: they love each other and want to get married but their contract with their sponsors prohibited this. I know this is not a rare case, and it is surely one topic that is interesting to talk about.

I fully understand why these sponsors ruled such agreement on their contracts. They pay money to the students so that they could focus on studying. The sponsors are concerned that if they got married, their focus on studying would plummeted and all they would do is sex sex sex sex sex sexxx xxx xxx every minute of God’s given time; and according to what I read from [The Guide to Violent Children], sex could lead to babies and babies would lead to bigger responsibility that might suffocate the minds of a young couple who are still studying.

Kahwin untuk menjauhi maksiat.

A signed contract cannot be changed, but the problem is: What if the guy cannot bear being patient anymore? What if everytime he catches the sweet smell of her girlfriend’s beautiful skin under those hijab, a sudden rush of blood to his nuclear missile occurs? What if everytime they’re on a date, he can’t help but imagine himself kissing her collar bone and sucking her bubble-gum tongue? He constantly wonders whether she would be aroused by just being sniffed at for 5 minutes while she is naked sitting on his computer chair. What if he cannot control his mini-me anymore when he is with her, especially when she’s licking a lollipop in her right hand and a vanilla ice-cream cone on the other? Yes, my muslim friends, satan is a creative bastard.

My point is that these creative thinking sponsored by satan, although harmless, possesses a great deal of danger of the guy going out of control and finally blowing his load, in and all around her kitty cage. Zina. Adultery.

Of course you could advice the guy to pray more seriously, be more pious and even leave her girlfriend all together; but what if it’s beyond prevention? Clearly it is better for them to get married, and have (protected) sex as much as they wanted. Halal sex is always better than zina. I am totally against the cock-blocking movement.

So finally they decided to get married secretly so that the sponsor doesn’t know. Breaking a contract is a big risk, but getting permission from their parents is another problem.

Most parents would surely be against these marriages; they want their daughters to finish their studies first before allowing one young men to break their precious princess’s hymen layer. This is very understandable. They don’t want their daughter to ❤❤❤❤ and ❥❥❥❥ and ♡♡♡♡ everynight and ended up with several kids, thus making it hard for her to focus on her studies. Pretty acceptable reason right?

So how do you reason with such parents?

It’s easy. Tell them that you promise to wear condoms, 2 condoms at the same time everytime you want to nail their daughter. Problems solved! Yay! If the parent is still stubborn, give them a telephone call and say this:

IF YOU’RE AGAINTS THIS MARRIAGE, I WILL MAKE SURE THAT WE ARE GOING TO GET MARRIED ANYWAYS BUT BECAUSE YOU’RE SUCH A STUBBORN ASSHOLE, I’M GOING TO FUCK YOUR DAUGTER IN HER ASSHOLE AND SEND YOU THE PICTURES! HOW ABOUT THAT?

Of course, you should only use that line during extreme conditions, when all form of negotiation does not work; as the last bullet in the revolver. And I don’t think I should remind you that anal sex is prohibited in islam. You don’t really mean it when you say you’re going to anally rape her daughter, it’s just a fake threat, get it?

This was supposed to be a great threat. There is no father in this would that want to look at a picture of some young, hairy dude having anal sex with his precious princess.

On a second thought, just forget about that line. It will never work. You marry to make family members, not enemies.

Oh man, this is such a fucked up entry. I’m really sorry for the language. I really should be focusing on finding a job right now. Forget what I said. I promise to be more sensitive.

p/s:cock blocker: A person (male or female) who intentionally or unintentionally disrupts (block) a guy from getting some punani.

snowboarding is pain

I woke up this morning feeling excruciating pain all over my body. Each time I made a simple movement, it hurts. Every time I tried to lift up my arms, it hurts. A small lump of pain appeared of the left side of my throat and my shoulders are stiff as a board.

But I’m not going to talk about today. I’m going to talk about what I did yesterday.

Yesterday, I went snowboarding with pojik and zarul. The last time I snowboard is one year ago, so I have to be mentally prepared to fall a lot because I know I’m not going to remember what I have learnt before about snowboarding during my previous attempts at it. And fall, I did. A lot. And I guess although my mental side is ready, the physical side of me is not.

I snowboard like only 2-3 times a year so there is no way that I’m going to be good at it.

I sucked! Of course the main reason of this is because I don’t snowboard that much to obtain the required skills to be called ‘good at it’, but until now, I didn’t realize that I was THIS bad. If my memories were clear as the blue sky at the Juenese Ski Park yesterday, I thought I didn’t suck. Far from good of course, but definitely not on the level of suck; that was my previous assumption about my own snowboarding skills. Oh how wrong I was.

Getting your body slammed several times to the ground at high speed is painful enough, but nothing can be compared to when getting your dick squeezed between you body and a slump of hard snow, at high speed with full momentum from the fall.

I was so unfortunate yesterday. I was speeding on a steep slope. Feeling the cold breeze at this speed is fun and awesome! Then after realizing that if I don’t slow down, I’m going to lose control and hit a deer or something, I tried to do a cool, fast break; like the pros do it on tv. I forgot. I still suck at the sport. Lost balance and I got my body slammed to the ground very hard. And by some divine magic, during those crucial milliseconds of my mishap, I have succeeded to get my dick placed right on top of a slump of hard snow; and I let the momentum and speed of my body to slam my poor wang. Or shlong. Or weiner. Or pecker. Or knob. Or rod. Or shaft. Or phallus. Let’s just called it a male genitalia ok?

I must say. It was fucking painful. Damn!

I want to put my hand into my pants to make sure that everything is attached but I can’t really move because it was painful. So I just sit there, rubbing my little brother from the outside of my pants. I looked up and there comes a girl skiing down, staring at a foreigner who was rubbing his crotch like crazy. No matter how much you stare, you won’t understand the pain o little girl!

Then a sudden fear comes into play. What if it was squashed during impact? What if it was bleeding? I don’t want to have to say to my future wife this: before I ask to marry you, I have a secret to tell –> my dick is squashed and looks like a flatten banana balloon because I slammed it onto a slump of hard snow.

So I have to check whether the smaller (not the best word to describe it) part of me is functional and 100% OK. During these times of emergency, I wish I had a catalogue of women’s lingerie with pretty models in it to help me. Unfortunately, I don’t have those so I have to use my imagination. I used my extraordinary imagination to visualize all sorts of things that could turn that little guy into HULK, but all was in vain.

I was really freaking out; and then I remembered the time when I was just 8 years old at school. We had an English class in the library and the teacher (a pretty chinese-kelantanese young lady) told us to draw some pictures of animals. After giving her orders, we started our assignments on the floor while the teacher returns to the observing desk. I was sitting right in front of the teacher’s desk and to my horror, or joy, the pretty teacher sits on her chair with her legs opened, not knowing that the whole class could see her crotch clearly. To top it off, she’s not wearing anything underneath those silky white skirts so I could see clearly her unshaven secondary women lips(it’s not a short skirt really, just on the knee line). I called my friend and ask him what the hell am I looking at, but he just told me to shut up so I continued to draw, while being very confused. At that time, I thought she had a horrible accident during circumcision, and I was pretty shaken by that thought. Damn, I should have looked a little bit longer because it would take years and years more before I get to see that again at this close range. Shaven.

After that brief moment of my fabulous history being brought back into my world of imagination, at last I got confirmation that the little guy is beginning to get angry and could turn into a full, bigger and harder than a rock HULK the green beast. I was so relieved. So after knowing that my banana and his two coconuts are okay, I continue snowboarding until its 3 p.m.

Before leaving, I had a shrimp burger and the sweet thing about this is that when I bought the coupons, I put 500 yen into the machine and it gave me back 710 yen! I’m so lucky. Then we brave the cold waters to take wudhu and performed solat in the changing room.

On the way back home, the three of us made some pretty weird conversations and had vowed to not speak the contents of the conversations to anyone else, so it was kinda cool. Then we hit the local sushi restaurant, and I ate like 5 plates only because I was just too tired to eat more.

Got back home, and went to sleep. Then I wake up this morning feeling like a train wreck. Then I did the laundry and watched appleseed ex machine; which is awesome. Then, because I have nothing else to do, I thought it would be fun to write about what I did yesterday, so here I am finishing my thoughts about that. Until next time….

*p/s: by reading today’s post, now you know that my childhood experience kinda affected my current state of mind a little bit. Might be funny, but not a pretty thang!